Saturday, December 26, 2009

Oh My God, I'm DONE!

Words: 4,162
Time: 7:45 – 12 (1/2hr break)
Mood: Happy
Impression: The book is everything I wanted it to be

My god, I’m finished! I’M FINISHED! It feels so good to be done. I didn’t end up writing on Christmas so instead I decided to put my jet lag to good use. When I got up at 5 am I decided that I would do my best to finish the book today. I was going to start at 6am, but I made eggs and bacon for breakfast and that took a little time.

But I have to say that the book says everything that I wanted it to say. Before I knew what it would be about, I talked to a lot of people about it. I had of course mentioned only the most insightful things. That was fully my intention when I sat down to write it, but I started to lose faith that that was where the story would end up. But I can now say that the book is everything that I wanted it to be.

The book is a novel for men. Yes I give detailed instructions on how to enlarge your penis within it. And I talk about other things also. But that isn’t what the book is about. The book is about happiness and what makes a person happy. And the story is told from a guy’s perspective. And the guy whose perspective it’s told through is a guy’s guy. He’s not a 2000’s guy, he’s not metrosexual, and he’s not a successful guy. He’s a guy that works, lives and strives. And although there are similarities between me and this guy, it is not me. I’m proud of this book.

So now the next step, I’m going to have to walk away from it for a little bit and then come back and edit it. In the meantime though, I have to work on getting a few of the TV shows that I’ve created on the air. That’s not going to require a lot of work. My contact just needs some more info on the ones he likes. Also, I’m going to focus on creating a few more of my RateABull videos. There are a number of topics on my white board which I can do. Some have already been shot and just need editing together.

So will I keep blogging about the process? Definitely. I found this process helpful. I probably would have snapped if I wasn’t doing it. And thanks to everyone that’s been following along. Feel free to post a comment. I would love to hear from you. Check back soon. There’s more to come.

Sincerely,
Cristian YoungMiller
author of "Happiness thru the Art of Penis Enlargement: A Novel Guide to Jelqing, the G-spot, How to Last Longer in Bed, and other Sexual Secrets"

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I think I need 2 more days to finish it

Words: 2,169
Time: 10:15 - 1:30 (1hr break)
Mood: Tired
Impression: Good enough

I am definitely winding the book down now. It is possible that I could finish tomorrow, but it would have to be a longer day. More likely I will finish the book 2 days from now.

I have to say that even at this point I'm surprised how much the activities of my life and my mood affect what I write. I used to believe that there was some divine writer living inside of me and all I had to do was get out of his way. But even today I know that because I fell asleep early last night and then didn't get enough sleep the tone of what I wrote changed. It wasn't that I wrote something dark today. It was just heavy. The writing felt like how I feel.

Also, at the very end of my writing process about a lonely guy that meets someone, I might have met someone today. I do online dating, and for the first time, I wrote someone, and within hours she wrote me back. And the kicker is that she's really hot. There's always the chance that she's not real, but I don't think so. Wouldn't me meeting someone be the perfect end to my story about writing a book about a lonely guy. :-)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'm days away from finishing the book

Words: 3,910
Time: 10 - 2:15 (1/2 hr break)
Mood: Relaxed
Impression: I'm not sure about it

First let me say that the Bahamas was absolutely great! If anyone wants to go to the Bahamas for a very quiet get-away. I highly recommend going to Eden Cottage http://www.homeaway.com/vacation-rental/p269928. My god it was soothing to my soul. I was feeling really crazy before I left. I even had to get my mohawk back.

But after 2 weeks there, life seems a little sweeter. I had all of my meals made for me and it was great to be around family again. I thought that it would be bad, but it was very good.

So when it comes to the book, there was a day that I wrote but didn't blog about it. My mother and I have a website called www.RememberTheBahamas.com . And the most popular item that we sell there is a cologne called Sand Cologne. Just a few days before I left I decided that we would start selling it through Amazon and I had to do all of the things that could only be done while I was there. I figured that I could finish the book once I got back to LA.

And now that I'm back, I think I'm days away from finishing the book. It's possible that I could finish tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, I could finish on Christmas day. I don't think I have any plans for Christmas, so that might be what I do. Merry Christmas to me.

I have to say though, my vacation really took me out of the mind set of the book. I was using my angst to drive the book. But I am now angst free. That is one of the reasons I'm trying so hard to bring the book to its end. It's like I'm trying to get out of the class before anyone realized I'm sporting a big hard one if you know what I mean.

But we'll see where I'm at tomorrow. I think that I have the climax of the book down. Act 3 is the culmination of the darkest before the dawn. And like I mentioned weeks ago, the book is not about a fight for the safety of the galaxy, so it feels less compelling. But I guess that if you care about the characters, then the universe doesn't have to be threatened for you to care how it ends. At least that's what I'm hoping.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Yet another sex scene

Words: 3,275
Time: 10:30 - 12 & 2:30 - 4
Mood: Relaxed
Impression: It's ok, but the sex was good

I got to write another sex scene today. That was good. It turned me on. But now what I'm thinking about is how much longer until the end. I know that the book is now over 200 pages and quickly approaching 250. I was hoping that the book would be less than 84, 000 words and now I'm at 77,700 and counting.

I know how it's going to end, but i don't know how long until I can get there. I don't know. i could be surprised and end up there quicker than I think. There really isn't much more story to tell. But we'll see. The other side effect is that me writing this story is making me think of the woman that I am basing the one of the characters on. I probably should think about here. It isn't a healthy relationship. I should probably think of someone else.

It seems that it's easier to write in the Bahamas than back in LA. I think that my place in LA is to dark. I feel trapped in my apt in LA. My life seems trapping in LA. I hadn't realized how revitalizing it is to be around family. And i guess that I feel that I am being of help to my nieces and nephews, and that feels good as well.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Writing overlooking the Ocean

Words: 2,207 & 1,735
Time: Thurs afternoon & Fri morning
Mood: Relaxed
Impression: It's fine

I was able to write yesterday, but I wasn't able to blog about it because I didn't have access to the Internet until later in the day. And when I came back I had to go to the wedding rehearsal. Then there were a few drinks and talking of course. I don't drink much, but I had to join in because my brother was getting married.

But let me say that it has always been a fantasy of mine to write somewhere that has a beautiful view. And one of the places that I always imagined was on the porch of my mother's beach house. Well, I got that chance yesterday. I wrote a little, looked up from the screen, allowed my mind to drift as I figured out how to phrase something. Got a glimpse of the beach shrubs and ocean, then continued writing. Heavenly!

And another great thing was that I finally figured out what act 3 of the book is going to be about. For about a week or so, i have been trying to figure out what leads to the climax. Yesterday I figured it out. It turns out that the answer was always in the story, but just took a bit to get there.

And today I wrote in front of the window in my mom's office. And actually one of the pictures of my nieces and nephews inspired one of the character's actions in the book. A story that one of them told me about their experiences ended up in the book.

Also, the book is what I thought the book was going to be about when I sat down to write it. Way back then I said that the book was about how society teaches us to want things that we don't need and that can sometimes bring us more pain than pleasure. But as I wrote, I didn't really see that coming up. But today, out of the blue, there the theme appeared. I figured that if I just remained patient it would come up.

I think that if I really crank it out, I could finish it by the end of next week. But cranking out words is not something that I'm likely to do here. There are beaches that need to swam on, family that needs counseling, postcards that need designing and relaxation that needs to be completed. So hopefully I will be done before Christmas.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It's weird writing here

Words: 1,385
Time: 10:15 - Noon
Mood: Easing down
Impression: Not sure

I am now at my mother's house in the Bahamas and I have to say that it's weird writing here. My computer is on her desk and if I look up, I see a picture of my nephews and nieces. I can't help but think how nephew-and-niece-unfriendly my book is. They are between 18 and 13 so they aren't young. And I've given basic sex advice to 14 and 15 year olds, but they are definitely different.

Other than that, I think that this trip is going to be good for me. My mother's place is very calming. I was definitely in a much more irritated state before. But here, all of the stuff that was making me nuts melts away. Today, I dropped my mother to work, sat down in her office and wrote. Her desk faces the window and there is a Poinciana tree outside that's swaying in the breeze. There's a little yellow bird in the tree that's hopping from branch to branch. It's nice.

Clearly this setting is going to have an affect on the story. I'm not exactly sure how yet, but it is. In a way my agitation was fueling the story. Without it, I would be driving with the wrong type of gas. I guess I'll see though. I only wrote a little today because I hit the end of the chapter. Tomorrow will be the test. We'll see.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm a little tired

Words: 4,086
Time: 12:30 - 4:30 (1/4hr break)
Mood: Sad
Impression: I think my mood has shaped what I wrote

I had a late morning appointment and I didn't expect to write today. But when I got home at noon, I grabbed food and rested. Afterwards I figured that a few hundred would be better than nothing so I gave writing a shot.

Today turned out to be the latest I have ever started and the most I have ever written in one day. Since I didn't write the first 3 days of the week and because I wouldn't be able to write on Monday because of traveling, I figured I should do as much as I could.

As I think about it though, I don't know if my mood shaped what I wrote, or what I wrote shaped my mood. Either way I'm feeling like I need to connect with humans tonight. Writing is a very lonely thing. And so much alone contemplative time can do bad things to me.

Anyway, on Monday I'm traveling to the Bahamas for my brother's wedding. I can't seem to write at airports or on planes so hopefully I can get back to the story by Tuesday or Wednesday. We'll see. I'm close to the end of the book. And I know that I could finish it while I'm there, but I don't know if I'll be able to string enough days together during my 2 weeks.

I hit 70,000 words today which is past my original goal, so I know I'm close. And I want to be able to say that I wrote 2 books in 2009 so even if I pull an 8 hour writing session on New Years eve, I will get this done. And what's more I think that it's best if I get my mind out of this world as soon as I can. It's an interesting place to visit, but I can no longer take living there.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Ok, I'm back

Words: 3,122
Time: 11:15 - 2 (1/4hr break)
Mood: Not great
Impression: It's fine

Ok, I'm not going to lie to you. I considered not finishing the book. I have been going through a little bit of psychological hell over the last couple of days. That EMDR thing that my shrink did, really messed with my head.

What it did was make me think that the only thing that I will have in life is my work. And because neither of my readers have gotten back to me about my last book, I had began to assume that it was because I was a crap writer. I could barely think.

What always helps me in this situation is playing racquetball but because of an unexplainable leg injury I can't do that either. And to top it off, someone came out of the blue and teased me with a really great job at NBC directing. But just as quickly as they mentioned it, they pulled it away. Honestly, I didn't know whether I would make it to the end of the week. For days I couldn't do more than sleep and watch TV. It was not good.

But mercifully someone who I don't know got a hold of the first chapter of my last book and read it. He gave me 4 out of 5 stars on it and with it some of my hope had returned. I can't say how I'm doing right now, but the fact that I was able to write today should say something.

And guys, I can't tell you how much your encouragement has made to me during this process. I have never had such a hard time writing anything before. They usually slip out of me like a wet pickle out of a whore. But this time has just been hell.

Friday, November 27, 2009

5 writing days in a row

Words: 1,909
Time: 12:15 - 3:45
Mood: Good
Impression: It is very good

I woke up late and started writing the latest I have ever started writing. But even when I was laying in bed at 11:30 I knew that I was going to write today. And I have to say that I played all of the keys on the piano today.

I really thought today would just be one of those writing filler days that are common in dramatic works. But I started and then wrote what I think is the funny thing so far in the book. I then wrote some thing that will eventually allow me to end the book. I have been wondering how I was going to justify certain things, but today allowed for it. I really wrote some great stuff today. I'm kind of proud. :-)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Writing on Thanksgiving day

Words: 3,470
Time: 11:40 - 3:40 (1hr break)
Mood: relaxed
Impression: It's pretty good

Since it's thanksgiving day, I thought that I would start off with what I'm thankful for. I am thankful that for the past year I have been given the privilege of being able to spend my days writing and coming up with TV show ideas. It really is a privilege and this has been the most creatively productive year of my life.

I am also thankful for the fact that because of all of the people that I met this year, I have become a better, smarter, wiser person. I have also made great friends and had great experiences.

This morning I had to run and get the things that I am bringing to the thanksgiving dinner, so I didn't start writing until much later. But it seems that for the first time since I started writing this book, I will write all 5 days this week. It was assumed with my last book, but not so here. It's funny 2 days ago I was telling a friend how this will probably be the last book I write because of how hard it's been. But yesterday I woke up and asked myself the question 'what happens when a vampire dies?' Does he travel the afterlife looking for his soul?

My last book was about what happens when we die, so I think that is an interesting question to ask. I'm not into vampires, but it would be an interesting angle to explore. I had wanted this book to be 68,000 words. It is now 61,000 but it still has a little ways to go. But at this rate, I could be done in 2 weeks. That might not happen because I have to travel to the Bahamas for my brother's wedding, but it will be before the end of the year. Should I just quit writing afterwards? I don't know. It doesn't sound like me. :-)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

What have I become

Words: 2,841
Time: 11 - 3 (1hr break)
Mood: Mixed
Impression: It's fine

I have to say that during by lunch break I lay in my bed thinking about what I was writing and my life. I was very sad. What saddened me was that when I decided to write a book about happiness and love, this was the world that I created. And it isn't that I can't come up with a Disney story. It's that when I let the story that's in me come out, this is what I automatically wrote.

I have no doubt that the book's readers will find it interesting. It's the same way that Flannery O'Connor's readers find her racist, angry books interesting. But what's sad about Flannery is if you think of the type of person it took to write such a book. It's sad when you think of the type of life she had to live to make her that miserable. The same is true for me. It saddens me to think of the life I had to live to come up with a story like this.

However, after lunch I got to write a couple of basic sex scenes and it made me feel better. Ya know, there was a time when it took having sex to make me feel better. Now it just takes writing about sex to make me feel better. I don't know, is that an improvement. Haha!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The end of another chapter

Words: 1,573
Time: 11:15 - 1:15 (1/4hr break)
Mood: A little sad
Impression: It was fine

What I wrote yesterday kind of put me into a mental tailspin. On top of that it so happened that yesterday Oprah had a show on sex addicts that hit too close to home. And on top of that, I had to do a lot of home for my next 2 therapy sessions. It was too much. I was up until 4:30 am trying to unravel the knot that is my sexual history in preparation for therapy.

After only getting 5 hours of sleep I can at least say that I now understand it. I now understand why I have made the choices that I did as it pertains to sex and why I fell for the people that I did. And now I also understand why Happiness thru the Art of Penis Enlargement is turning out the way that it is. The characters are all manifestations of my subconscious. The main character, though not like me in a lot of ways, represents me in this psycho-dynamic. The talking penis... well, I'm not going to say what the talking penis represents.

In either case, on Wednesday I'm going to do this psychologically intensive process called EMDR. It is something that is supposedly going to change the way I look at life. The question is, how is it going to effect the story. If this book is a crazy representation of my own psycho-drama what happens if my personal psycho-drama dramatically changes. Hmmm... My god I feel nuts right now.

Monday, November 23, 2009

The story's going rogue

Words: 3,182
Time: 11:15 - 3:15 (1 1/2hr break)
Mood: Sad
Impression: Disappointed

The story has now gone rogue. I think what happened was that after I realized that I was no longer writing the book for others, I no longer felt the need to constrain myself. Ever since then my daily word count has been up. Hell, today I past 3,000 words.

But now the book isn't what I imagined the book to be when I sat down to write it. I guess the truth is that you can't live half your life making questionable decisions and then write a book and not expect the recces of your mind to feed the story. Never in my life did I try to be like everyone else. In high school we had to wear uniforms to school. And where as everyone tried to also wear the same shoes, I had to find a pair that no one else wore. I tried to think like no one else thought.

But crap, what has been the result? What I have written today disturbs me. What it says about me as a person rattles me. There is no other interpretation in what I'm writing accept for the fact that I hate a part of myself. But not only do hate a part of myself but I'm writing it in a book that others will read. This is fucked up! This story is a freak show... or maybe it can be better said that the book is fine, there is just something seriously wrong with the author.

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's moving along now

Words: 2,038
Time: 11:30 - 2:00 (1/2 hr break)
Mood: Good
Impression: I think it's good...

Here's an interesting fact about me. When I was in the 2nd grade, I got an 'F' in writing. Oh course, back then it was about the physical ability to write. My elementary school used to split the kids up into 2 different classes. I was in the class with all of the smarter kids. But even though I was in that class I was also a very poor reader.

I can remember the dread I would feel whenever we had reading time in class. The teacher would go around the class and have a student read a couple of paragraphs aloud. And when he would get to me I would just become embarrassed. The truth was that I could barely read. It wasn't that I didn't know the words, it was that I would stare at a word and I couldn't remember which word it was.

My reading was so bad that my parents had me tested to make sure that everything was "ok" with me. I can remember the day that the results came back. It was the night that we would always go out for our family night out. My mother walked around glamorously dressed and I kept saying "can we go". But my mother kept saying that she was waiting on a call.

When the call came in my father got next to my mother as she spoke to the person on the other end. When the call was over she turned to my father and said "everything is fine". She then walked over to me, bent down, gave me a big kiss and said "I knew you were normal."

After that I attended a special after school program to improve my reading. In the 5th grade I attended a reading program at another school, and in the 7th grade at my high school, I was placed in a special reading program there. It wasn't until I was taking a college psychology class about learning disorders that I realized that I had a special form of dyslexia. It was such an incredible revelation to me. It make me feel so much better that it had a name. So with all of that being my history I now find it very ironic now that I have made more money as a writer than I have in any other field.

I say all of that to say that I I never really took a class on how to write books. I learned how to write long form by learning how to write movie scripts. In scripts the stakes have to be very high all the time. That is what gets people to watch the movie. But that's not the case with books.

With scripts being my foundation for long form writing, I still have my doubts that the stakes for the book are high enough. All my characters want, is to be happy. There's penis enlargement, sex, a funny talking alcoholic penis and a ton of information in the book. But I can't help but ask myself is trying to be happy a high enough stake? It's certainly isn't as high as trying to save the universe from the evil Darth Vader. But I'm still hoping that it is.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I love writing sex scenes

Words: 2,012
Time: 11:15 - 1:15
Mood: Great
Impression: Pretty freakin' hot

First of all it is my birthday today. So happy birthday to me. Secondly, today I wrote the first of what will probably be a few sex scenes. You can't write a book about penis enlargement without having a sex scene. But no other sex scene that I write will match this one.

It wasn't that it was raunchy, dirty sex. It was detailed and hot and sweet and if there is anyone that reads it and isn't turned on on multiple levels, then I should never put fingers to keyboard ever again. :-) Writing that was a birthday gift to myself and man did I enjoy it.

That was also the end of the chapter and after taking forever on the last chapter, this one took 3 days with each day me writing more than 2,000 words. I think that the rest of the book will definitely not take as long. The only thing that I have started worrying about is the length of the book.

With every book that I've written (all 2 of them, ha) I have always underestimated the length of the book by a lot. This time, I was shooting for a 200 page book. But if the second half of the book is as long as the first half I'm looking at closer to 260 - 290. I think that's a little long for this type of book. I think that this book could be 185 pages and people would still feel like they're getting their money's worth. But above 250 I think that I might start to turn some readers off.

I guess I can't really help it. I am verbose. I like words and words like me. I need to get everything in that I need to get it, and I don't think that I help myself by making it a clunky reading experience. But who knows, maybe it'll be shorter than I think. I can't imagine how, but we'll see. I guess if worse comes to worse, I could always make the margins in the book a little smaller. Haha. It's like college in reverse. :-)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I'm loving this chapter

Words: 2,804
Time: 10:50 - 2:10 (1/2hr break)
Mood: Very good
Impression: Loved it

I didn't mean to not write yesterday. My rule is that I can't email or text anyone before I write unless it has to do with racquetball. But yesterday I wrote a long text to my muse and then didn't send it. I didn't finish writing the text until noon and then I said screw it I'll bail. Oh well.

But today I made up for it by doing almost twice my quota. And man did I like writing today. I borrowed a lot from an experience that I once had so it was really easy to write. And I can say for sure that this chapter is the chapter that will give the book heart. Even I am touched a little by what I am writing... but I guess I know how to push my own buttons so that shouldn't count.

Either way, it was a great writing day and it really does turn out that the talking, alcoholic penis is a representation for something else that guys can relate to. Sure it was obvious that the penis was a symbol, but no, it goes even deeper than the obvious. Man, this book is like an onion. When I first looked at it it looked like one thing. But the more I get into it, the more layers it has.

Now I'm heading off to racquetball.

Monday, November 16, 2009

A good way to start the week

Words: 2,294
Time: 11:30 - 2:30 (1hr break)
Mood: Good
Impression: It's good

It was a good writing day today. I woke up and one of the first things I thought about was what I would be writing about today. That is how it was when I was writing my last book. And also like the last book, I wrote until lunch and then I took a break and got back to it. More times than not with this book, I have been writing straight through.

What that says to me is that I have relaxed into the routine of writing. When I write straight through it is because I feel like I shouldn't be wasting my time writing, so I try to get it over with as soon as possible. Not today. Today I leaned into the writing. That was good.

I have also decided to cut back on the gay humor. I think that I have finally done one too many. The book is starting to feel a little homoerotic so no more of that. I milked that angle as much as I could and now I think I've blown my load of it... Masturbation humor is still fine right? Yeah, I'm sure it's still fine. :-)

Friday, November 13, 2009

The end of a very long chapter

Words: 1,502
Time: 11 - 1:30 (1/2 hr break)
Mood: Relieved
Impression: I think it's pretty good

I have been working on this one chapter about 3 weeks. Granted, I probably took 5 days off during that time, but that's still a long time on 1 chapter.

I don't mind taking that much time on this one because this is probably the chapter that anyone who buys a book called Happiness thru the Art of Penis Enlargement would care most about. This was the chapter when I described penis enlargement and the main character does it. It is also the chapter when I reveal the one thing I didn't in the video about how to get the best results from jelqing. It will probably be the chapter that's read the most and I think that the chapter works.

Now for the rest of the book I can relax a bit. I still have a few more facts to share, like best sexual positions and how to last longer in bed, but that's cool. More of the second half of the book will be about story and about the character truly searching for happiness. I guess I don't know exactly where the second half will go, but I have an idea and the impression that that gives me seems pretty good.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Slow and steady wins the race

Words: 1,706
Time: 11:30 - 2:30 (1/2hr break)
Mood: Mellow
Impression: Pretty good

I'm a glad to say that yesterday was a research day. I wasn't just being lazy, I had to confirm some information before I wrote it. So although I didn't put words to document, I did work. Today was also a research day, but I was still able to start the day writing and end it writing.

Writing this book is a very unique process for me which is probably why it is going so slow. There are so many things that keep changing about the story as I go along. At this point I have to say that I have a good idea where I'm going with it, but honestly, I can't be sure. I think that I'm going to find out where I'm going when I get there, and hopefully it's somewhere good.

I am beginning to wonder about the happiness angle of the book as well. Because yes, the book tells you how to enlarge your penis through jelqing, but really the book is about happiness as it relates to sex and society.

I am actually seeing 2 therapist right now. It isn't because I'm really crazy, it's because one helped me so much I figured why not double the healing. And a lot of what I've been talking about recently has to do with happiness and sex. The topic didn't start until I started writing the book and now it is basically all I talk about.

I guess it's good, because it's like having two PH D's as book consultants, but I wonder how different the book would be if I wasn't deeply engaged in the topic myself for my own mental healing. Would it be less personal? And would it be better, worse or just different. It's all just stuff that makes me wonder.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Introducing something new in the book

Words: 2,766
Time: 10:30 - 12
Mood: Good
Impression: I didn't see it coming but it fits

The number of words that I wrote today is misleading. I only wrote 1,200 new words today. All of the other words are transcribed from my Jelqing or How To Enlarge your Penis video. I had transcribed it on a day that I only registered 800 words. So today's numbers look overblown because of it.

But I wrote about something that I didn't expect to write today. I knew that I was going to address this topic at some point, but that wasn't the plan this morning. And what's come out of it is that I'm going to add information about how to get over the plateau that you hit in gains. I have had a lot of success with jelqing. But what I have realized over the years is that and inch and a half is rare. I guess the truth of the matter is that I didn't tell the whole story when I made the video.

You have to understand that when I made the video I never expected for it to be viewed over a million times. I never suspected that people would rely on it like people have. So when I was making the video I just took the information that I got in the manual that I first got and gave it to people in video form. But there was a whole other part that I didn't mention in the video that I was engaged in.

When I was making the video I didn't think that this other part had anything to do with my jelqing success. But because I was recently looking over a lot of my journals from a few years ago, I now understand how much what else I was doing helped. Really if I just thought logically about it, I would have realized that of course it helped. But I just didn't.

So now, with the book, I am going to tell the other part of the story. At no point did I think that I was going to include this part, much less when I woke up this morning. But that's what happens when you write, surprising things happen.

Monday, November 9, 2009

This book is very deep

Words: 1,670
Time: 11 - 2:30 (1.5 hr break)
Mood: Mellow
Impression: Incredibly deep and revealing

When I was 17 years old I was deeply into spirituality. I meditated twice a day and had an incredible sense of calm about me. In fact, I was so calm that I felt I was detached. And what I wanted to do more than anything else was teach spirituality. But even at 17 I understood that I needed more life experience to teach about life.So I stopped doing everything that I was doing and entered life.

I am now a very experienced person in life. I have had experiences that I know that not too many other people will have. And man do those experiences inform all of my outside projects. That experience was the basis of the last book that I wrote, but I really didn't think that it would be a part of this one. Hell, this book is a somewhat humorous book about an alcoholic, talking penis. How could that be about me in any way?

Today, I wrote something that I had not planned to write and after I did I thought about it and realized that once again, this book is about me. Unlike the last book, this one is much less obvious about, but it is as well.

It seems that now I can't escape from myself if I tried. Now, all of the life experiences that I gave up my spiritual life for seeps out of me like the smell of garlic out of a man's pores. And there's nothing I can do about it but hope nobody minds. I think that I have to say that even though I tried to write this book for others, once again I am writing this book for myself. And like all masturbation, the most I can hope for is that there are people out there that want to watch. Oh well.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Slow going...

Words: 1,218
Time: 10:45 - 12:45
Mood: Distracted
Impression: It's fine

You know, at the beginning of every week I keep saying that I will write all 5 days this week. This week I only wrote 2 days. Life got in the way this week.

But the good thing is that I was supposed to finish the first half of the book this week, and I didn't know what the second half of the book was going to be about. However, I had an experience last Friday that completely inspired the second half of the book. Now the book will be extremely interesting. Before it was going to be funny and fine. But now it will be a truly unique story. I just hope it's not too 'out there'. After all, I already have a talking, alcoholic penis in the book. Where's that line between a good read and ridiculous. :-)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Slow but steady

Words: 1,535
Time: 9:50 - 11:45
Mood: Very good
Impression: It was very clever

I had a great Halloween weekend. Met one girl and went out with another and then played racquetball until my shoulder hurt. What else can a guy ask for?

I haven't written in a while because my motivation is slipping. I happen to like what I'm writing, but I'm starting to wonder if book buyers will like it too. I'm doing my best to make this book accessible but I'm struggling.However today I really liked what I wrote. It was very clever. And it was clever in the best way. The main character didn't seem to be clever, the author seemed to be clever.

But I'm also beginning to wonder if this book is becoming an allegory for sexual struggle. There are only so many gay jokes that you can have without wondering if there is something going on on a deeper level. Truly I think this book has way too many levels to be a humorous book about a talking penis. But hey, I don't have anything else better to do so I will keep writing.

Friday, October 30, 2009

I know how to make your penis bigger

Words: 2,023
Time: 11:45 - 1:35
Mood: Great
Impression: It did what it was supposed to do

I finally got to the part in the book where I describe how to enlarge a penis. I know that it wasn't supposed to be entertaining, but still I wish there was a way of describing it in a more entertaining way. It's not boring now, but still.

I decided not to write yesterday because I got up really late, and I was a little bummed that the readers of my other book hadn't finished reading the book yet. I thought it meant that they didn't like it. But surprisingly enough, one of the readers got back to me yesterday night. He says that he was enjoying it, so that gave me the motivation to keep writing this one. That isn't the only reason why I was bummed, but that was the main one.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

When Penises Attack

Words: 1,692
Time: 12 - 2:15 (15 min break)
Mood: Very Good
Impression: I don't think that it's "laugh out loud" funny

Ya know, it's funny when you're writing and you introduce a character that seemingly has no significance but some how as the story progresses you starting thinking that she could be the romantic lead. The advantage is that the reader already knows the character, but certainly this is not what I was planning.

Secondly, I have made no bones about it, I am writing a book for the readers, not for me. Often times I ask myself will my readers like reading what I'm writing. I have to say that I'm not sure whether a person that gets this book will like what I'm reading. My instinct is to make this a deep novel. But I know that most of the people that get this book will be getting it to learn how to increase the size of their penis.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this issue. Because let's be real, if you want to know how to blow up your penis, I have posted the info online. So if you're going to buy the book, you are going to be expecting something more from the book. My answer is to give the read an interesting story. But maybe that's not the correct answer. I'm still considering this point, but mean while I'm approaching the halfway point of the book.

Monday, October 26, 2009

This is taking longer than I thought

Words: 1,726
Time: 11:45 - 2:05 (1/2hr break)
Mood: Neutral
Impression: This is feeling alike story about a black guy

So I took Friday off again. It was the beginning of chapter 5 and knew that it was going to different from the other chapters. And when I woke up Friday I knew that I didn't know what all was going to happen in the chapter. Even after I started to figure out where the chapter was going I still didn't feel like I had enough to get started.

The final piece came to me on Sunday night and when I realized it, I knew that it was the piece that I was waiting for. It's kind of strange the way this story is unraveling for me. Usually I write 5 days a week religiously and it feels more like dictation. With this story I feel like I'm struggling for every word and shift in the story. I'm not used to this. I think that the book is as good or better than what I've written before, but I'm not used to the process being so difficult.

What's also different from all of the other things that I've written is that this feels like it is written from the perspective of a black guy who grew up black American. That's unusual for me. I'm not from America so I wouldn't consider myself black American. In fact, black American culture is still a bit of foreign land to me.

All of my stories exist in a neutral middle class America. But this one definitely feels very different. It's not intentional, and I'm not even sure that it's welcome. But that is what's coming out so there it is. This is when I start hoping that books based in black culture can appeal to more than just black people. I assume that it will but I wonder if I will lose readers because of this fact.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

How to jelq

Words: 846
Time: 11:15 - 2:15
Mood: Good
Impression: It's fine

I actually wrote more than 846 words today. But most of them were transcribing. After transcribing my 'jelqing or how to enlarge your penis' full length video I decided to not use the full transcription here. So after deleting 2,000 words, I wrote a little more to finish off the chapter and now I have only progressed the story forward by 846 words.

I'm not as happy today as I was yesterday. I need to figure out how to get back to my happy feeling. I think I need to play a little racquetball today.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I've finally gotten to Penis Enlargement

Words: 1,770
Time: 11:15 - 2 (1hr lunch)
Mood: Happy
Impression: It's good

So, it has taken me about 25,000 words of foreplay before I got to describing penis enlargement. I'm sure that that is a ratio that most women would like.

In the book the main character's penis discovers www.RateABull.com and watches the jelqing video at the site. That means that I am in a position where I am writing a book about a person that is watch a video that I'm in. I often struggle with just the right word to describe something, so the question is 'would this best be described as narcissistic or a case of grandiosity'. I guess in this case they work just as well. :-)

I have really been in a good mood for the past week. And where as I have been in a bad mood for the past 3 years, it's funny that I find happiness while writing a book on happiness. Ironic. Though the way I've found happiness is not what I will be pushing in the book. I'm a very creative guy so my neuroses are probably not common enough to write a book about. Instead I'm going to be addressing how to find happiness when you think that your penis size is the source of your problem. Granted, I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to say yet. But I know how the book is going to end so I know the method for happiness will be very applicable.

Did that last paragraph clear things up for you? Yeah, me neither. :-)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

When books about jelqing get deep

Words: 1,635
Time: 11:15 - 1:15
Mood: Very Good
Impression: Very deep for a book about a talking penis

I gotta say that today's writing felt very deep and very personal. I haven't mentioned this yet, but the book is about a guy with a talking penis who also happens to be a real dick. And today the main character confronted his penis about the penis' unhappiness. It may as well have been an art house movie instead of a book about a talking penis.

It was a real study in psychology. And as I was writing it, I started to think about what it was saying about me the author. I would like it to have not said anything at all, but clearly it said something. This is one of those times when I have to just block my self-consciousness and just focus on telling the story. Jeez, I would hate to think that either the main character or the penis character is actually me in disguise.

Monday, October 19, 2009

It felt like I wrote more than I did today

Words: 1,556
Time: 10:45 - 1:45 (1hr lunch)
Mood: Pretty good
Impression: It's good

Today was one of those days that I have where I think that I've written more than I actually have. I guess that I am done before 2 so I couldn't have written that much, but in my head it feels like I covered a lot. Either way, my brain is too tired to write anything else today so I have to stop.

It is a little amazing how it works sometimes. Sometimes when I know what I will be writing and it is just a matter of sitting and writing it, I can write for 3 or more hours. Other times when I have no clue where it's going I have to take a lot of breaks and I can only write for 2 hours. After the latter, it feels like my brain is tired and all I can do is lay down for a while. That is how I feel today.

What I wrote today was pretty good though. It told the story that I'm trying to tell. And at the same time it was funny and a little sad. It was funny on the surface, but scratch the surface even a little and you can see that it's based on a really sad thing. It was a successful bit of writing.

I think that I have completely settled into the humorous style of the book. I originally referred to the humor as sardonic. I was wrong. I was miss using the word. I guess what I'm doing is playing with words in such a way that you laugh at my main character. So the main character is constantly saying things that he doesn't know is funny, but someone hearing it would. The humor borders on absurdist, but isn't quite. I guess it would be satirical with hints of wit.

And now that I have explained it, like any good joke, you will now no longer find it funny. Oh well. :-)

Friday, October 16, 2009

How many gay jokes are too many

Words: 2,176
Time: 12 - 3:15
Mood: Very good
Impression: I can't believe I wrote today

I got up very late today. I'm not going to bed any later but it seems that my body wants to get 7 to 7.5 hours of sleep so now I'm getting up at 11. Laying in bed I considered not writing but then I remembered that I actually knew what I would be writing today. That made it easier for me to say, 'well, I'll just write to the end of the section.' And the end of the section ended up being 2,100 words in and took me to the end of the chapter. Very cool!

But the question that I have to ask myself now is, how many gay jokes are too many? They certainly aren't offensive jokes. I wouldn't classify them as jokes at the expense of gay people. It's more about an awkward, straight guy not knowing anything about gay people, but believing that he does. That's not bad right? I hope not because apparently there's going to be a lot of them in this book.

It would be the same if a white person wrote a character that was blissfully ignorant of black but thought he was an expert, right? Yeah, that would be bad at all. Which brings up another question. How many fat jokes are too many? So far I have only done 3. And I have done it because of the comedic rule of 3. But maybe I should be more comfortable with that one.

Yay, it's the weekend!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

At least I wrote something

Words: 1,116
Time: 11:15 - 12:15
Mood: Pretty Good
Impression: This chapter is going to have to get somewhere soon.

Weird thing happened today. I got up really late this morning because I was up past 4 trying to make a major life decision. The deal is that I haven't been happy for over 2 years. And a lot of it is because of my lack of dating. But the thing is that I have never been a dater.

So last night I have decided that I will no long put effort into trying to find a spouse. The whole idea of marriage just doesn't match with who I am. And the fact that I haven't made much headway in that area frustrates me beyond belief. So instead of putting so much energy into finding a spouse, I will cut out the middle woman and put my energy into being happy.

Most people pursue happiness by being in a relationship. I will just pursue happiness in whatever for it takes. And so far I have been feeling really great about it!

But the weird thing about this morning was that after starting my writing at 11:15 and stopping at 12:15, I then climbed back into bed and took an 1 and a half nap. I have never done that before. And that is only the second time I can ever remember taking a nap so soon after getting up. But hey, if I needed it, I needed it. And as long as I write something, eventually I will finish the book.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Starting to ease into it

Words: 1,657
Time: 10:45 - 1:30 & then 15 minutes at 6:30
Mood: Pretty good
Impression: It's going in the right direction

I didn't write yesterday because my original youtube account got deleted accidentally. And I spent the night before uploading all of my videos into a new account. I then woke up pretty late and on top of that I was bummed out plus I had a early afternoon meeting. I just could get my self revved up to do it.

My old youtube account used to get 1,500 views per day. It will take another year before I get back there. It looks like I will be getting about 300 per day for a while, so that's better than nothing.

In terms of the story, I am really starting to get into the meat of it. The characters that work with the main character are all quirky and interesting. I'm just starting to wonder how many gay jokes are too many. By no means am I making fun of gays. I'm just having fun with the concept. For example, the asks the question what would you do if you found out that your penis was gay? See, this isn't just penis enlargement guide, or interesting story. It is a book that will make you think.

Oh, and I've decided how I will describe the book. It is a fiction/non-fiction hybrid. Within the funny story are parts where the characters read from a penis enlargement guide, a g-spot guide etc. I don't know of a lot of fiction/non-fiction hybrid book. I'm hoping that I could be coming up with something new. :-)

Monday, October 12, 2009

I'm back at it

Words: 1,836
Time: 11 - 3:15 (2hr lunch)
Mood: Groggy
Impression: Not as funny

I took Friday off from writing and I'm glad I did. It turns out that I was headed in the wrong direction. I was correct that the character was going to spend his first part of the chapter at work, but I wasn't correct about what was supposed to be communicated next in the story. The main character had to come up with the idea that he should change before he does change. That is what was missing. That is why I had a bit of a block.

And today I've learned that girl I referenced in the first chapter as getting VD from her boyfriend is apparently one of the main characters. Ya know, you just throw out jokes and there never anyway of tell what sticks.

Friday, October 9, 2009

A break before Chapter 3

Words: 0
Mood: Fine

I have decided to take today off. Usually what I do when I write is while laying in bed the night before I write, I decide what I'm going to be writing about. And if I don't work everything out the night before, I lay in bed in the next morning and do it. That is one of the reasons why I sometimes start writing so late.

But Chapter 3 is important. Chapter 1 was a fun introduction to the characters, chapter 2 was character history and chapter 3 is the chapter where the impetus for the rest of the book is established. I know what the impetus is, but I don't know how I'm going to do it. And when I think about it, all I get is a mental picture of the main character at his job and nothing else.

Since getting this chapter right will make the rest of the book flow really easily, I decided to give myself the weekend to work it out. I know that it's there. It's just a matter of allowing it to come to the surface. I'm actually a little surprised that it hasn't already. Perhaps the gears of my brain are locked in a particular direction and I need to back up and a little and start again.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

End of Chapter 2

Words: 1,610
Time: 10 - 12:15
Mood: Calmer
Impression: Not a particularly funny chapter but very insightful.

This chapter wasn't funny like the last chapter was funny. I would describe this chapter as being psychologically rich. It didn't have any laugh out loud moments but there are quite a few moments where you chuckle at the main character's expense.

I finally have a good grip on the main characters and the style of humor that the story is employing. It isn't exactly the type of humor that I use when I'm trying to be funny. I tend to be a little more intellectual with my humor. But the book's humor is related to my humor. It is kind of an absurdist sense of humor tied in with an every day man sentiment.

What I'm most concerned about though is bringing back the style of humor from Chapter 1 for Chapter 3. Chapter 2 did what it was supposed to do. It set up a depth that would be mined in the later chapters, but Chapter 3 has to be zany again. And I know that after the heaviness of Chapter 2 I am going to have to work pretty hard to make the reader laugh out loud again, but that is what I am going to have to do.

I have also noticed that my words count has been down this week. I'm still making my standard 1,500 word minimum. But last week I had 2 days over 2,000 and I guess I just expected to continue that level of productivity.

2,000 words a day gives me an extra 2,500 words a week. My goal is to make the book between 65,000 and 70,000 words. So 2,000 words a day shaves off about 2 weeks of writing. But I guess that either way you put it, writing a book is a marathon not a sprint. Either way you put it I will be done before the end of the year as long I keep writing everyday.

Any way, I now have 2 chapters down and about 10 more to go. Word count wise I am almost a quarter of the way through. Yay!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Should I be writing in this state?

Words: 1,866
Time: 11 - 3 (1hr lunch)
Mood: Depressed
Impression: A little darker than I was hoping

Yesterday was a bad, bad day. Because of my dark mood I was thinking about skipping racquetball league last night but at the last moment decided to go. I got my ass handed to me by everyone I played for the second week in a row. I even left early because what was the point in playing if I wasn't going to make an effort.

I drove away and knew that I needed the day to end as quickly as possible. So I pick up some Tylenol PM's and downed a few. I ate dinner, wrote yesterday's entry and once I got up I couldn't even get my legs to work. Maybe I took a few too many.

But in either case I was asleep within minutes but briefly woke up at 9pm, 10pm, 7am, and then 9pm. Each time was just for a minute or 2 so I still count that as 12 hours of sleep. I also woke up in a better mood so maybe it was a good thing. Unfortunately I also woke up still feeling drugged. I've never had a hangover, but I have to assume that the feeling was similar.

Even so I managed to write today, but I have to say that it's pretty hard writing funny stuff when you are still in a pretty depressed mood. There was certainly a darker tone to what I wrote. It felt heavy even though it still had a casual side to it. This was the chapter when I was supposed to give some psychological depth to the character, but man does it feel dark now.

Maybe it's just the way I'm interrupting it. Maybe it's not as bad as I think. Maybe in a few days when I start thinking about lollipops and butterflies again, it won't seem as heavy. Meanwhile, well, whatever.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Let the fun begin

Words: 1,518
Time: 11:30 - 1pm
Mood: Melancholy
Impression: It's fine

This is one of those days when you just want it to end as quickly as possible. I have a tendency to right about isolation and loneliness. It is a theme in both this book and the one I wrote earlier this year. I know both very well. However unlike my last book sadness or darkness has no place in this particular book and I have to find a way to keep it out.

Now it is time for a good 13 hours of sleep.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The End of Chapter One

Words: 1,701
Time: 11:30 - 2:30 (1hr lunch)
Mood: Anxious/Chilled/Contemplative
Impression: It is a good Chapter 1

When a person sits down to write a book, there is only so much preparation that they can do. I write books that are about something, so what I first do is decide what the book is going to be about. In this case I decided that this book would be about 'how society teaches us to want things that we don't really need'.

Next I choose a framework to explain that idea. In this case it was about someone who was unhappy and decides to use penis enlargement to make himself happier. I knew that I wanted this to be a funny and spiritual book, but I wasn't quite sure how I was going to do it. I also knew that I wanted to include the content of my www.RateABull.com videos, but I wasn't sure how to work it into the story.

So with this and the rough outline of how the story will proceed I began the writing. It still amazes me how a book fills itself in once you start writing. I wrote some really great, funny stuff in the first chapter. But now I don't know if I can do the same thing in the second chapter.

I don't love writing so I'm not one of those types that just loves the journey of it all. The exploring is not what I go after. I'm a goal and results oriented guy. But it seems that for me writing a book is really about letting go and trusting in my ability to find the next word or the next phrase.

I guess like a lot of other things in life, it is about being present in the moment. I need to keep in mind that I am doing my greatest work now. Because of this book, for the rest of my life this year will be the most creatively productive year of my life. I will never top this year. And because of that I don't need to be anywhere else other than right here doing what I'm doing.

I think this cool weather (it's 70 degrees F) makes me think of fall in Wisconsin where I went to college. Those were the most wonderful times of my life and I didn't always appreciate them. I miss wonderful times. I wish I had more of them.

Friday, October 2, 2009

It sucks when you misplace your penis

Words: 2619
Time: 10:30 - 1:45 (1/2 hr. lunch)
Mood: Restless
Impression: Good so far.

I have decided on a full name for the book. The full title of the book is: Happiness thru the Art of Penis Enlargement: A Novel Guide to Jelqing, the G-spot, How to Last Longer in Bed, and Other Sexual Secrets.

Yes, I have noticed how long it is. Thanks for noticing... and I'm not taking about the title... actually I am talking about the title. :-) The book will be so titled because I plan on only selling it online. And the most important thing you can do for search engine optimization is putting key words in the title. These are all the key words that people use to find my videos on youtube.

The book itself is a novel, but the characters in the book find a guide to all of these things. So it is kind of like the book Celestine Prophecies where the fictional characters find prophecies that readers can apply to their own life.

Today's writing was fun and easy. I think that I have finally gotten a firm hold on the humor of the book. And I think that I finally have the characters down. I'm sure that the characters will continue to surprise me, like they did today. But I pretty much know who they are.

Let me tell you, waking up and finding your penis missing is no fun to even write about. But hopefully it will be fun to read. :-)

Now I'm done until Monday. Yay!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The 2nd First Day of Writing

Words: 2183
Time: 10:30 - 1:10 (no lunch)
Mood: Feeling good!
Impression: It's shaping up.

I did not write yesterday either. What happened was that on Tuesday I played about 10 games of racquetball and I came home at 10:30pm with a headache. But in spite of the headache I worked until 2:30am coming with 3 more TV show ideas.

Unfortunately, yesterday I woke up too early and the headache was still there. I sat at the computer to write and I just couldn't get myself to do it, so I didn't. But I think it was good because last night I became excited about writing the book. I actually started to look forward to it. For some reason the pressure was off and I felt comfortable.

So this morning when I got up I felt good. I had my usually breakfast (waffles), took a shower and got to work. I can say with some confidence that this is a book that more than just steps into the world of the absurd, it lives there. But even with that I think that it represents what it is like to have a penis very well. So today, I like the book. I like what I wrote, as crazy as it was. And I know that I am going to like what I am going to write tomorrow.

My favorite line that I wrote today was: Oh my god my penis is exchanging “Sup’s” in a steam room with another penis.

That's right, go and figure that one out. :-)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

No Writing Today - Work on TV shows Instead

Words: 0

I did not write today. I had to see my shrink at 11:30 and I got up at 10am so clearly my routine of writing in the morning was blown. So instead I came up with reality show ideas.

I work with one of the guys that created Joe Millionaire, Temptation Island, Trading Spouses and others. And I am coming up with new show ideas to try to sell to the networks. He referred to one of my ideas as "reality gold" so he wanted me to come up with a few variations on that idea. So I came up with 3 TV show ideas this afternoon before racquetball and I am going to try and come up with 3 more tonight. That should free my mind up and allow me to focus back on the book without, anything hanging over my shoulder.

I would have preferred to not taken a break from the book while I'm struggling so hard to keep hold of the voice of the narrator, but I was going to have to take a break anyway. I figured it was best to do all of the distractions in one day. Tomorrow back to the book.

Monday, September 28, 2009

First day of writing complete

Words: 1843
Writing time: 12 - 3:30pm
Mood: relieved
Impression: What the fuck!

I ended up going to sleep at about 5:30am and woke up at 11:30. I just couldn't go to sleep. I was working on this blog and then I was just on edge. And when I woke up I considered not writing. I wasn't very tired but I just didn't know what the hell I was going to write.

I really am in new territory with this book. I tend to write dramas, actions, or adventures. I almost always write stuff with deeper meanings and those genres lend themselves to having deeper meanings. Setting out to write something that is supposed to be funny and then telling people that I'm doing it is like having sex in front of a large audience. It can take you to psychological places that you have never been.

I have an interesting relationship with comedy. Growing up my older brother was clearly the funny one. I seriously never even tried to be funny until one day in the 9th grade. I hung out with a group of kids and after school we often stood around in a circle while each of them would try and make the others laugh.

I never joined in on this because I wasn't funny. But one day I decided that I was going to be funny so I stood quietly listening and waiting and then finally I slipped something in. The entire group just stopped and stared at me with their mouths hanging open. The problem was that I didn't want to try to be funny and fail so I chose to say something obscure with a straight face. The problem was that they didn't know whether I was kidding.

Within a few seconds they started up again and again I slipped something in. This time they looked at me and they all laughed hard. And at that point I knew that I had done it. I had been funny without risking failure.

A year later I was on a class trip to Australia. There was a group of us that was waiting to go whitewater rafting and since I was a shy kid I stood quietly. The others were nervous so they were saying fun things to each other about what may happen on the river trip. At that point I interjected "or we could plummet to deaths. Either one." The entire group broke out into laughter and the teacher from Kansas said about me "that one does say much, but when he does, man is it good."

I think that enabled me to never put myself out there. So over the years my main type of humor developed as sardonic and absurdist. And now that I writing this book the humor I'm employing is strange. At this point I don't know what to think of my characters. I don't know if the style of speech I'm using is out of place, whether the odd way that the narrator speaks is humours or just non-sensical, or if the main character's emotionally and verbally abusive penis is funny or just a little sad.

But hey, either way I'm glad I started today. The pressure to start is finally gone replaced by the thought that although I've hid my insanity from everyone up to this point, this book will reveal me for what I am. I think I need someone to hold me.

Video intro to my blog about writing my book

video

So, tomorrow morning I'm supposed to get up and write 1,500 pages for a book that I'm really nervous about writing. It's not that I think that I will fail to write. What I'm nervous about is that I will fail to be funny but spend a bunch of time in frustration trying to be funny and then in the end not be funny. But of course tomorrow when I wake up I will be tired (I'm writing this at 3am) and my creative juices might not be flowing and nothing could come. Really it could all turn out to be very bad tomorrow.

I've never before written a book that is supposed to be funny most of the way through and I don't even know if I can do it. I wrote a movie that was supposed to be funny and let me tell you, the sound of laughter when the movie first screened for a real audience was simply one of the best exerperiences of my life.

I was way to nervous to actually be in the theatre when the movie started. I was in the the projection room trying to hide. But as I was talking to the projectionist I heard the sound of the entire theatre laughing coming from the little hole where the camera sat and I was amazed. About a year beforehand I sat in my room thinking "this will be funny won't it? Sure, people will laugh at this." But my lead actress had said it wasn't funny and I had my doubts. But to hear the laughter in the audience really made me feel good.

Now 8 years later I am going to sit in my room again and try to decide what is going to make people laugh a year from now. I know this process is supposed to be fun or something, but damn, I can feel my chest hurt just typing this. Please people send me some positive energy because the truth is that right now I feel like rolling into a ball and throwing up. I have never had such an intense response before, but man can I fail writing this one. God I feel like throwing up.

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